The Pacifier

Alright ladies… and gentlemen earlier this week, I said I owed you one more post. So before this week is out which tomorrow I decided to write a new post and when I thought about what I should write about the word “pacifier” came to mind; probably because I have an infant who is 7 months old and we 100% rely on the pacifier.

But today we are not talking about newborns..Today we’re talking about not falling for the “pacifier” and the “pacifier” I’m talking about is the engagement pacifier, promise ring, or I love you but not and engagement ring. Yeah that thing…

Okay, so Kelly, what do you mean by the engagement pacifier?

Well I know we’ve all heard of it before, it’s not us of course(side eye)..lol…

We all have a girlfriend or a good friend or cousin or distant friend that has been engaged for 10 years. Or we have a friend who has been in a relationship for a significant amount of time, I’m going to say two or more years and they have made it a requirement that their significant other marry them eventually or they made it clear that marriage is there end goal.

That is a good thing because that means they’re dating with intention, and they kind of hinted around, hinted under, hinted over and now they’ve hinted at the fact that “we’ve been together very long time and in some cases, we live together and other cases that have children together and still no ring.

Clearly that is a problem and the other person is tired of hearing about “the ring”. They are tired of hearing about how all their other friends are getting married. They’re tired of hearing about why we have been together so long why haven’t you asked me to marry you?

SO what happens: He gives you I mean them an engagement ring? Great! Awesome!

Now what?

3 years have passed and no marriage, the date has been moved and shifted or never set at all. He/she continues to act unmarried(selfish) which by all accounts is okay because to them, in their minds nothing has changed except the fact that they have given you a piece of jewelry, which in your mind signifies a future, but in their minds signifies a little peace and quiet about the issue.  You have just been given a platinum pacifier. In some cases a cubic pacifier ..but who am I to judge…..

Let me explain a little more in-depth.

Whenever the baby is crying and it needs milk or maybe the baby just ate, you don’t have time to make a full bottle or a full meal and you just want to hurry up and make the baby feel better, keep the baby from crying or whining make the baby or trick them into thinking yeah this is good enough for now; you give the baby the pacifier and hope that they will by definition “pacified” for a little while. Basically it’s to shut  you, I mean your friend, I mean the baby up!

It is the hope of your significant other that you like the baby will be relaxed that’ll go to sleep (forget).

I have met a lot of mature women who unfortunately have fallen prey to this very situation… (smh). They are told:

Of course I want to marry you,

Or

Girl just when I get this good job, then it’s when I get this good house,

When I get this that or the third and then months become years .

Or

My favorite…

I just don’t think I’m ready yet… I want everything to be perfect and things just aren’t perfect yet…(Please… everything was perfect enough to have sex, and perfect enough to split the bills and perfect enough for me to have your baby)…

Still no wedding! No marriage certificate. Still no change in last name! “

Okay So What Now?

Well, now the ball is your court. There are things you can do to see if your significant other is serious about marrying you or if they just provided you with a shiny piece of jewelry to keep you quiet and occupied for a while. Here is one thing you can do:

  1. Set a date

You guys have been together FOR EVER!

There’s no need for a long engagement. Call him/her and yourself to the carpet by setting a realistic date and sticking to it…

This is when you will find out if you really want to get married or if you are just in love with the idea of getting married and it will let you know the same about your significant other.

If after you try to set a date you get any of the below excuses:

We should just enjoy being engaged.  Flag on the Play or

I’m not really sure I think we should save up some money before we get married because I know you want to have a big beautiful wedding so let’s do that Flag on the Play

or my favorite

We have so many other things going on right now I mean why rush it we live together we have children together you know we’ve been together this long we don’t need a marriage certificate to solidify our love for each other there’s (give me a break)…  Flag on the Play

You have just been PACIFIED. 

You want to be the baby that has the pacifier for 5 minutes and then starts to cry again when you don’t get your way.

The pacifier(ring) should not fill you up. It should not be your main meal.

Kelly what if by the time the date comes we don’t have enough money or something unforeseen occurs.

  1. The Justice of the Peace is free and legally binding and then you can have a vow renewal ceremony or you can plan a really big expensive reception. A destination wedding or a small intimate wedding works as well…

Let me just tell you:

The wedding is just the outward commitment to what has already happened or what will occur on the inside.

Weddings last the day but marriage is a lifelong commitment.

Recognize the signs; don’t get caught in limbo.

Now there is a flip side to this whole scenario which I will touch on later, The person who only wants to get engaged or married for “the look”. Disaster waiting to happening.  Another post for another day…

Anyway: If you realize you are being pacified and you are unhappy and your significant other won’t change it may be time to move on.

Don’t become satisfied with the pacifier, spit the paci out, speak up, have a plan and move accordingly.

Until next time

All in love

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