Mommin’ Ain’t Natural
So I’m just going to be real with yall.
I never ever ever saw myself having children. Like EVER! Nothing about me or my demeanor screamed nurturing, caring, or hey, entrust with another’s persons entire life….lol… but for real. Like. I never thought or felt or even planned. I just thought we’ll maybe I have a kid one day, maybe just 1. But whatever. It really was just a passing thought. I guess partially because I never wanted to get married. But that’s a different blog post for a different day.. But anyway… Although in my perfect little selfish world I lived in no kids, no husband, just me and the wind beneath my wings right… WRONG!
Fast forward 19 years. I deviate from my original plan and I get pregnant. Not only do I manage to get pregnant, I decide after much contemplation, I’m going to keep said baby and “raise” it… What! Yes. Crazy, right.. Before making this decision I hadn’t raised anything but my hand for seconds..lol.. However, for some odd reason I decided that I , super focused, never deviate from my plan to take over the world, well at least run it (I want to be President of U.S.A) would suck it up, and be some bodies mother.
At this point you probably think, she is being super extra right now, over exaggerate but no I promise, I really am not. You can ask any of my friends from elementary through college and ask who would be most likely to succeed and least likely to have a baby, I’m sure I would make their top 3 list. Like for real, so needless to say when I found out I was pregnant with my first child it was a shock to us all…
But it looks like my pregnancy was not in vain because although being a mom is probably one of the greatest opportunities for growth I have had to experience, it has also been the hardest opportunity I have ever been given. And unlike some moms who appear and actually in reality have it all together. I clearly do not and I just thought I would take a moment and share a few of my thoughts on my mommin’ hood moments, because for me, mommin ain’t natural.
No for real. I’m really good at computer and technology, I enjoy figuring out ways to end hunger and I can definitely walk and chew gum with confidence, but momming actually being a mother is not something that comes natural to me.
And when I say being a mom doesn’t come natural to me I’m not saying I don’t love my children or care for them or have given up mothering all together… no silly rabbit, what I’m saying is the traditional ideals, feelings and actions associated with motherhood just don’t feel right to me. It’s like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. I’m the square peg and mothering is the round hole…
“Well Kelly, being a mom isn’t easy for anyone … Lies! Well, Kelly it just takes time and it gets easier, Lies, Lies and more lies…
Okay. So the above may be true for some, but for me… mmm, no. Does not apply.
And you would think after you make a baby, and carry that baby, delivery that baby, love that baby and care for that baby God would just cut you a break and sprinkle some “perfect mother fairy dust” all over you that makes mothering easy, but nooo, no special dust…
And some of y’all reading this right now are reading this and saying I just don’t understand, when I gave birth all my mothering instincts kicked in.. well I’m not talking about connection to your baby. That would fall more along the lines of postpartum depression(a very real mood disorder). I talking about the mixture of nature and nurture which makes some of us Mrs. Beaver and others Olivia Pope with a baby…. Can you picture Olivia Pope with a baby?
It’s like some people(my best friend), I swear it’s like they were born with an apron and the patience of a saint. I mean like really. Some women were created to be mothers, they cook and clean and do hair and have tea parties and play trucks and go to the park and ride unicorns and build space ships all while smiling and having slick edges…
It’s crazy because then you have me.
In my head, I wake up at 5am, I’m making pancakes and bacon and I’m squeezing Orange juice and straining the pulp (I hate pulp), then I’m whispering sweetly wake up sweeties wake up and then I’m dropping then all off with a smile perfect makeup and a positive attitude… But
In reality… Not in my head… I HATE early mornings, I don’t want to play tea party, I don’t think anything is wrong with sugar cereal and milk for breakfast, I say good morning but only because it’s rude not too… lol… and I often wonder if wearing pajamas counts as dress up…
And my patience level ranges from the time it takes for my 1 year to meet me at the bathroom door when I’m trying to ……. I don’t know……. breathe…… in peace.
I mean for real we all know those women who have never tried breastfeeding and they are pumping 100 extra ounces on there 1st try and then there’s me who is super excited my baby latched on as I rub coconut oil on my raw bleeding nipples… 😞…
It’s like going from breastfeeding to positive discipline to knowing what to say to your kid not to hurt there feelings only after you have said the wrong thing that hurt there feelings…. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!..
However, I do believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.. Yup. You see as I stand in the uncomfortable notion of motherhood feeling like the only thing natural about it at this point was the live birth, I began to pray and contemplate why the heck do I feel this way. Why is momming or why does being a mom feel so unnatural to me? And it’s not always difficult but like what is it. I love my kids, I would die for kids. I will kill you for my kids, so God what is it…
Well, be careful what you ask for because you may just receive the answer.. God told me. 1. It feels unnatural because that’s the way you are making it to be.. and of course I’m like what? He began to speak to me, Kelly, you are letting your insecurities about being a mother get in the way of you being a mother. You are so worried about being a mother that you are not letting it flow. Kelly, let it flow… “easier said than done God”. Kelly, being a mom doesn’t mean being perfect, it doesn’t even mean you have to like every moment or most moments, it doesn’t mean you have to mother a certain way. You just have to be you. Trust you. It’s okay to trust you..
Trust me. Wow! Trust me. My mind is still blown. However, I am beginning to touch the surface and understand what God means. I believe He is saying to give yourself permission to be you. Give your self permission to feel uncomfortable. And all those things that come natural to other moms that you have to try hard to feel like compassion, empathy, patience it’s okay that they don’t come natural for you, they may never come easy, however the simple fact that you recognize where you are falling short is amazing. And the fact that you are actively practicing what makes you uncomfortable makes you an amazing mom.
So although mommin may not come natural to you. I want you to know that it’s okay, it doesn’t come natural for me either. You are not alone.. However along with all the anxiety or down right confusion you may be feeling understand you are still strong and do not allow the way you feel over whelm, consume or cloud the fact that you are a wonderful mother.
We all fall short and if you are feeling depressed or overly anxious about motherhood please feel free to reach out to me or someone you can trust. I will be happy to help.
Until next time,
All in love,